


i want you to know i love you

by waitingforittttt



Series: i love you and i need you [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Depressed John, M/M, Self-Harm, alex is a great boyfriend, im sorry, very sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-15
Updated: 2017-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-17 23:52:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12376734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waitingforittttt/pseuds/waitingforittttt
Summary: That’s really how he started. Just to relieve some of his stress. He didn’t mean for his arms to look like this, he wasn’t upset with himself but he didn’t want to upset Alex.





	i want you to know i love you

**Author's Note:**

> TW: self-harm

John had a rough day. He hadn’t meant to end up like this, it kinda just happened. He was sitting on his bed, the one in his and Alex’s appartement. Looking down at his arm he could see the lines he had just created, there was little red droplets surfacing. At first John though that people who did this were attention seeking, he thought it was more than a little bit dumb.

Well guess he was doing it now. Honestly, it didn’t hurt. He felt good after it, like there was an invisible weight lifted off him. Every single day he felt as though his chest was empty, yet tight at the same time and there was so much stress but he didn’t know what to do. 

That’s really how he started. Just to relieve some of his stress. He didn’t mean for his arms to look like this, he wasn’t upset with himself but he didn’t want to upset Alex. 

His Alex.

His Alex did so much for him. He helped him through panic attacks, depressive episodes, and everything in between. It was his Alex that made him swear to stop doing this to himself. John told him that it wasn’t serious, he didn’t need any special help or anything, but Alex was worried. 

John could see why. He didn’t have a healthy sleeping schedule but that had been going on for a long time. He wasn’t a healthy eater, barely eating anything for lunch and eating too much later. He always wore oversized long sleeves or sweatshirts to hide his body.

Alex tried to insist he was beautiful, that he shouldn’t be hiding in clothes. John insisted he was more comfortable this way, and Alex didn’t push it. He just wanted his baby girl to be comfortable really. 

John knew Alex was trying so hard to help him which is why he didn’t want Alex to see these cuts, or the old ones, or the scars. He wasn’t getting any better and he didn’t want to scare him away. John insisted he was fine that night Alex found him like this. 

But sometimes John didn’t want to be okay. He didn’t want to make anyone worry but he wanted to be able to break down and for it to be okay. Logically he knew Alex would love him no matter what, but when would his patience run out?

So John grabbed a tissue and wiped off his arms and stowed his little blade away in his bedside drawer. He was careful to put it under his stuff for class so Alex would never find it. 

Deep down he wanted nothing more than to curl up on Alex’s lap. He could feel the fingers running through his hair, his tears streaming down his face. He could feel the burn in his lungs from sobbing so hard. The fuzzy numbness he felt afterwards. The liberating feeling of a good cry was all he needed. He was wanted to feel protected, his boyfriends arms surrounding him and protecting him from the rest of the world. He could hear the soft whispers, smell the scent of coffee and laundry detergent that stuck to his clothes. 

He wanted love so bad sometimes it hurt. And Alex was right there! But it just felt so out of his reach. Like all he had to do was grab his phone and he knew Alex would be there in an instant but he didn’t want to make Alex mad for making him leave class early. 

He shut his drawer a little too hard, tried stopping the tear that rolled down his face. He quickly pulled on his yellow sweater, the one two sizes two large and that had a couple of holes in the seams and promptly fell asleep. 

(The Next Day)

Alex woke up with his John in his arms. God, he was the most beautiful person he ever had the luck of getting to know, of getting to date! The sunlight streaming through the blinds onto the blank wall next to them told him it had to be about 8 am. That a was pretty late wake up for Alex if he did say so himself. He slipped out of bed and walked into the little kitchenette in the appartment to make a cup of coffee. 

He’d gotten home around 7 pm last night. Stayed out a bit later than usual at the campus library getting some extra work done. He brought take out on the way back from campus, knowing John might be a little upset that he stayed out 2 hours later than he said he would. It was even that late but movie nights were important to the two, it was as their typical Friday night. 

Alex had opened the door and saw no John, no Tv, no left over cereal bowls waiting on the table for him. The light down the hall way in their bedroom was already out. He closed the door as quietly as possible behind him and nudged his shoes off. Setting the food down on the counter, he padded his way into the bedroom only to find his boyfriend passed out already. 

Alex couldn’t say he wasn’t glad. John’s sleeping schedule was off recently. Some nights he couldn’t even remember John coming to bed, only waking up with Johns arms wrapped around him. 

So he was happy for a little change in the odd behavior recently. Of course he was worried about John, but he was doing so much better recently. He turned around to put the Chinese in the fridge then took a quick shower. 

After changing into is pyjama pants, he slipped into bed with John. He wrapped his arms around his back and snuggled up against him. This was one of the best things. Just being close to someone he loved so much was good enough for him. He loved John so much his heart felt like it would explode. He felt a little helpless in that he felt as if he wasn’t doing enough, but John assured him every day he was a great boyfriend. 

Thinking back to last night made him smile. Cuddling wasn’t something they got to do much but it made Alex feel so much better. He wished he could cuddle his John all the time but unfortunately classes got in the way. 

He drained his cup of coffee and set it on the counter to was later. He had to meet Herc and Laf on the main quad soon, for what he did t know. He slipped on a pair of jeans and a dark red t shirt and threw his hair up in a messy bun before slapping a note on the counter and heading out to meet his two friends. 

John groggily opened his eyes when he heard the door close, the place in bed next to him still warm from where Alex had slept. 

John Laurens felt like absolute shit. He was fuzzy headed and dehydrated. His eyes felt glued together and he had a cottony feeling in his mouth. The ballooning feeling in his chest was returning. Shifting out of bed he stumbled down the hallway to chug a quick cup of coffee when he saw the pink stick note from Alex.

‘Be back @ 11, with Herc and Laf, love you:)’

He sighed and crumpled up the note before tossing it in the trash and pouring himself a mug of cold, leftover Alex coffee. Which meant it was nast and not warm and the furthest thing from a relaxing morning possible. 

His tight chest was getting worse so he went to get his blade from the bedroom. He just wanted it to go away was that so much to ask! He looked at the clock, 30 minutes was more than enough time. 

Each cut felt more liberating than the last, when he didn’t have enough room on his forearms he moved to the top of his thighs.

He wanted to be angry at himself, he wanted to be sad for doing this, but really he felt emotionally drained. He was surrounding himself with negativity to the point where it was hard to find something good anymore. 

As the anxiety melted away little by little, he began to clean up. Wiping up the blood, putting his razor back. When he checked the time he saw he only had 5 minutes till Alex was supposed to get back. 

Usually he had at least half an hour to put himself back together, to put his walls back up. This wasn’t enough time. His heart was pounding and he began to shake. He started towards the bathroom, firmly closing the door behind him. He stripped quickly and hopped in the shower, shutting the clear door, and turning up the water to as hot as it would possibly go. He watched the steam buildup on the glass and tried to relax under the hot water hitting his back. He heard the door open and prayed Alex wouldn’t come in here. 

It would be pretty hard to avoid The Conversation if he did. His arms were red and angry and so were his thighs. Even through all the steam on the door he would still be able to see the colour. 

John heard Alex call out “Baby girl I’m home!”

Even though the panic was edging away his voice was still shaking as John called back “I’m in the shower!”

Alex heard it too. 

“Hey John are you alright?” 

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.” And just like that the panic was returning. 

This morning had been a rollercoaster for John. Feeling like shit, anxiet, less anxiety, more anxiety. It was hard to keep up with. 

John slowly sat down on the tiled floor because he couldn’t keep standing on his shaking legs. 

“John, baby, I’m gonna come in okay?”

“Nonononononono I’m okay really you don’t need to I’m fine don’t worry aboutmeeverythingisokay”

It was rushed and overselling and he knew it. He regretted his word choice as soon as he heard the door click open. 

“Oh honey, oh John. I’m gonna open the door and turn off the shower okay? I’ll get your towel too.”

John knew what was coming. His mind retreated to the furthest corners, pulling itself back away from Alex. He didn’t hear the door opening but he felt that the water was gone and then he heard a small, pained gasp. 

John just curled in further on himself. His nails dug into his arms and he pushed himself into the corner. The sobbing started up when Alex tried to touch him without warning. 

He could hear Alex whispering to him faintly. Something like “sorry, just me, give me your hands” and John felt the fight leave his body. He let Alex take his hands and pull him out of the shower. He let Alex wrap him up in a towel, trying not to wince when he dried off the cuts. He let Alex lead him to the bed and sit him down. He let himself be dressed and held and pulled into bed.

He curled up onto Alex’s lap. He inhaled deeply, the scent of coffee and laundry detergent hitting him hard. He started sobbing again. One of Alex’s hands was carding through his hair, the other holding one of his hands and gently brushing the back of it. He sobbed and sobbed and let the burning feeling take over his body while Alex whispered to him in soothing tones. 

He felt his eyelids getting heavy and his body was fuzzy and warm and he let himself be held.

His Alex, his beautiful, wonderful, magnificent Alex looked broken. And that was his doing. He had been so very careful not to show Alex this pain. He couldn’t think about it too much though. His brain was turning off, he was well and truly wiped out. As the blackness of sleep started taking over his mind, he heard Alex saying “it’s okay, you’re okay, we’ll be fine we’ll be fine you’re okay I’m okay it’s okay” over and over, like he saying it mostly to himself. John knew he wasn’t okay.

**Author's Note:**

> so this is more stream of consciousness writing and isn’t edited or barely edited. sorry for my bad spelling. idk if this is the way anyone feels i can only speak for myself. i might do a more happy, fluffy part 2 if you guys want or a more sad part 2 or maybe no part 2 at all. comments and kudos are greatly appreciated and let me know ways i can improve:)


End file.
